Showers Of Regrets

I am writing this because I am really sick of this feeling now and this is all because of me I regret I wish I could get a chance to just remind back  to start all over again. obviously you was the best thing that ever happened to me but I had to leave because I was hurting you I broke you. I loved you, my God I loved you.. but its never just has simple as that. day in day out. I hurt you. I took everything out on you instead of understanding you, I kept on fighting and being angry and I blamed you for everything, I broke you everytime. you weren't the person you were the day I met you. Your smile slowly faded and each day would be a new argument. It wasn't easy for any of us. But the difference between US and other; that we never gave up, actually you never gave up on me. This was all for the best, I promise you will find someone who treats you well, protects and Shelters you from ever being hurt. I didn't mean it, I really didn't but coming from a broken family, I was constantly stressed... It was never fair on your behalf. I know you said "I love you, and I promise I'll be here every step of the way. I don't care if you are upset,  I'll help you. Take your anger out on me, it's fine." but honestly its not fine by me, because I always knew that there would be a day we're you will get tired of  bearing my angle tired of my b***, obviously who wouldn't get tired. The fault was always in me. I would never appreciate you for what all you have done for me, you was more than perfect, but now it's of no use because I can never get you back. I pushed everyone else away because they weren't you.
 sometimes I find myself crying in my room wishing to go home, then I realise I am home. But I am not happy here. I am so f**** homesick, but I'm home sick for a place that doesn't even exist. Now, I am just trying to be ok and some days that's harder than others.
I am sorry, you told me I was your hero but truth is I couldn't even save myself.
I'm torn. I can no longer pretend it's all fine because it is not,  I don't know why I feel that I am truly alone, I am losing everything, and I don't know if I want to scream and cry probably both. I have too much crap going in my head. I can't feel anything not happy not sad just empty each I'm getting closer to kill myself. And please don't say I never loved you. I still love you, and I promise I always will. you are the best thing that ever happened to me,  as I said I didn't realise it. All I know is that you are gone and now I am learning to be ok with the fact that I may never be yours again but I can't help but hold on to that hope that maybe will meet again one day. Maybe one day we'll be right  for Each Other. And it won't be so hard for you to love me. I really hope that one day we'll reconnect because no one has ever caught my heart in quite the same way. but that day isn't today. Today you're too broken and I am too pushy. today we don't quite workout. and as much as I care for you. I can't keep pretending that we do. so here I am saying goodbye. but maybe one day I won't have to.